Buffy Woke Up Gay
No more pastel coloured coats, no more sub Charlie’s Angels gold lame halter tops, no more Gypsy Rose Lee earrings, no more Maybelline 2-in-1 Express make-up. Buffy Summers was gay, she realised as she threw back the covers.
As she peered out the window, admiring the beautiful rainbow that arced over Sunnydale, Buffy also realised why she’d been having so much trouble with men recently. Riley just hadn’t been woman enough for her.
So that bright, epiphanous morning, Buffy pulled her flowing blonde locks into a tight ponytail and vowed that tomorrow she would make a hairdresser’s appointment. Tomorrow she would have that bleach blonde spiky crop that she’d always wanted but never knew until now. Raking through her wardrobe, she found to her chagrin that her clothes just weren’t dykey enough. However, she did manage to find a pair of combats and a black tank top. Hmm, is there a tattoo parlour in Sunnydale, she wondered to herself as she gazed at her exposed arms.
Clumping down the stairs in her steel toe-capped boots, Buffy swaggered into the kitchen where her mother sat sipping coffee. A blonde eyebrow rose dubiously at Buffy’s new attire.
"I’m a lesbian, Mom," Buffy announced proudly as she reached into the fridge for the orange juice carton. "And I’m changing my name to Beth."
Joyce struggled gallantly against the choke that rose in her throat. She’d always wondered about Buffy and Faith. . . "That’s nice, dear. More cereal?" she asked once she’d harnessed the powers of speech again.
When Buffy left for college that morning, Joyce was left to contemplate Buffy’s announcement, and it forced her to confront her own doubts. She hadn’t had a man in years - wasn’t it about time she came out the closet too?
That evening, Buffy, er, Beth, assembled the Scooby gang at the Magic Shop. As she surveyed her friends sitting eagerly around the table, she realised just how gay they all were. Willow and Tara, the worst dressed lesbian couple in history; Giles, camp as a boy scout jamboree with his tea and English mannerisms; Xander, living the Village People dream as a construction worker; and Anya, former patron saint of scorned women and thus lesbian icon. Even absent Riley had to be gay. How could anyone that prissy be in the military and be straight?
"There’s something I have to tell you," Buffy began as she opened a bottle of beer with just her teeth.
"Is it something purporting to Glory?" Giles asked, worriedly removing his spectacles and cleaning the lenses with the handkerchief he kept in his back pocket. If the hankie code was accurate, Giles liked receiving anal.
"No, I’m gay!" Buffy paused. "Although, for the record, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed."
Willow and Tara beamed proudly at Buffy. Having recruited another one, this meant they got the toaster oven.
"So am I!" Xander said and turned to Anya. "Sorry, An, I was in denial. Please don’t conjure any warts on my penis."
The ex-demon shrugged. "I’m not upset. You were just a sex toy on legs. I can find another." She looked pointedly at Buffy who returned her stare with equal intensity.
So that night they all went to the local gay bar and had the time of their gay lives as they danced to Madonna songs and sipped cocktails. Nothing could tarnish their happiness, not even when they spotted Spike wearing one of Dru’s dresses . . .