USS Voyeur

 

Scene: A Jeffrey’s Tube. B’Elanna Torres is doing whatever it is people do in Jeffrey's Tubes (other than shagging) with her engineering tools spread out before her. She is lying on her back, struggling to reach the plasma coupling that needs to be repaired and is cursing loudly in Klingon.

TORRES: Damn that Janeway bitch. Since when did Chief Engineers start doing the job of an Ensign? And my lab-coat, which I've started wearing for no apparent reason after four years without one, keeps getting caught on the fucking hatch.

Torres tries to reach the coupling one more time before throwing down her hypospanner in fit of frustration. Just then the hatch opens and Seven of Nine crawls into the tube.

TORRES: (mutters) Oh, great. What do you want?

SEVEN: Captain Janeway instructed me to assist you with the plasma coupling repairs.

TORRES: I don’t need your help.

SEVEN: (glancing down at the prone Chief Engineer then at the discarded hypospanner) Indeed.

Seven crawls further along the tube to retrieve the tool and Torres cannot keep her eyes from roaming to the Borg’s shapely buttocks as her hips sway. Crawling back, Seven then straddles the Chief Engineer’s stomach.

SEVEN: It would be more efficient if you moved out the way.

Torres finds herself ogling Seven’s breasts which are dangling precariously above her face. She licks her lips.

TORRES: But not nearly as fun.

Torres suddenly adopts a ‘did-I-just-say-that-out-loud’ expression and Seven merely raises her eyebrow, her optical implant moving with it, and continues to repair the plasma coupling.

SEVEN: Captain Janeway has expressed her…desire for us to smooth our working relationship. She wishes us to become…as she phrased it…special friends.

TORRES: (still staring at Seven’s breasts) She’s got a point. Or two.

Seven puts down the hypospanner and looks down at Torres, an intrigued look on her face.

SEVEN: Lieutenant Torres, do you wish to copulate?

B’Elanna thinks about it for all of two seconds before grabbing Seven’s head and pulling her down for a lusty kiss. Immediately she plunges her tongue into the Borg’s mouth, devouring her lips with white-hot Klingon heat. Suddenly Torres breaks off the kiss, wincing.

TORRES: Kahless! Your abdominal implant is sticking into my side.

SEVEN: Are you damaged? Do you wish to stop this activity?

TORRES: Nah. I like it…(Narrows her eyes and growls, baring her teeth) Bite me.

Torres attempts to tear off Seven’s jump suit but can’t find the zip.

SEVEN: Allow me.

Seven reaches down and presses her right nipple and the jump suit dematerialises.

TORRES: (stunned) That’s Borg ingenuity.


Scene: The Captain’s ready room. Janeway is seated at her desk and all the bridge crew are crowded around her computer monitor, their mouths agape. Nobody has mentioned that no one is actually minding the ship. Tuvok is standing to the side, pretending not to be interested but he is watching through the corner of his eye, his eyebrow raised slightly. Tom Paris is grinning from ear-to-ear, Chakotay is squatted on the floor communing with the 'bones of his ancestors', and therefore, is not quite there in spirit and Harry Kim looks very green around the gills. The Doctor is busily taking notes on his tricorder and Neelix’s facial hair is standing up on end. Sounds of groaning can be heard in the background.

JANEWAY: (sipping at a cup of coffee) Glad you all could join me. I simply couldn’t keep this little show to myself. Thank you for informing me of it, Tuvok.

TUVOK: (puffing his chest out) I needn’t (William Shattner-eque pause) remind you Captain, that the (pause) behaviour of Lieutenant Torres and Seven of Nine breaches (pause) numerous security protocols. It was for this (pause) reason that I brought this situation to your (pause) attention. Furthermore….

ALL: Whatever.

PARIS: This is better than the holodeck! (Glances at Tuvok who shoots him a questioning look) Not that I would ever use the holodeck for pornography; it being against ship’s regulations and all. (Pulls at his collar nervously).

JANEWAY: Relax Tom. (Smirks) I think we all indulge ourselves a little, eh Harry?

Kim, consumed with shame, vomits on Chakotay. Everyone casts a disdainful look at Harry, except Chakotay who doesn't notice.

More moaning and groaning is heard along with B'Elanna's intermittent screams of "assimilate me, baby!". Janeway tilts her head slightly while observing the monitor.

JANEWAY: Getting B'Elanna to start wearing a labcoat was a touch of genius, if I do say so myself. Thank you for administering the subliminal suggestion therapy, Doctor. (sighs) It may have taken four years' worth of replicator rations to make it but, by God, it was worth it! So what if we had to dip into our emergency medical supplies replicator budget?

DOCTOR: (brightly) Yes I'm sure the next console explosion victim will appreciate the sacrifice.

The moaning and groaning sounds become louder until they reach a crescendo. Everyone in the room holds their collective breath as they stare enraptured at the monitor. An ear-piercing scream is heard. In fright, Janeway spills her coffee all over the front of her uniform.

DOCTOR: (frowning) I think Lieutenant Torres may require medical assistance for a perforated eardrum.

JANEWAY: (staring in a daze at the monitor) My God. I never imagined that Seven would be a screamer.

TUVOK: I always (pause) thought of her as (he stops, realising that everyone is horrified) a pleasant (pause) young woman and a fine addition to (pause) this crew.

Now that Seven and Torres are finished shagging, they all begin to take their leave. Neelix remains where he is, a thoughtful expression on his face.

NEELIX: Actually, I recall that she sang with me.

 

THE END